


Five Things That Never Happened in Baltimore

by executrix



Category: Homicide: Life on the Street
Genre: AU, Multi, Post-Series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-07-04
Updated: 2011-07-04
Packaged: 2017-10-21 01:15:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,299
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/219278
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/executrix/pseuds/executrix
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Some happier endings than what *really* happened</p>
            </blockquote>





	Five Things That Never Happened in Baltimore

**1 Sci-Fi Friday**

Sheppard never felt she fit in in Homicide. At first she thought it was too much of a boys' club, but Ballard didn't seem to feel the same way, and from what she heard, Howard and Russert had done just fine. And, when they transferred her to that crazy-ass no-name unit, at first she thought they meant that since she was a woman, she was supposed to be some kind of damn telephone operator. But McNulty seemed to like it OK, and he was not just a man's man but a jackass' jackass, so she decided to just settle down.

After awhile, Sheppard decided that when she told Tim that all women are curious about walking the other side of the street, what she meant was that she was. And now she wasn't curious any more, because she and Kima liked each other just fine. Mmm-hmmm-hmmm.

So there they were eating low-fat microwave popcorn and watching TV. Rene explained indignantly that she was great at math. "Whatever," said Kima, who wasn't anything at all like Rodney except maybe for smart and kinda rubbed people the wrong way sometimes. "You both got great hair, baby."

And after post-TV pleasure, Sheppard drowsed off until Kima woke her with a goodbye kiss. "You're not staying?"

"Nah, gotta do the divorced-daddy thing all weekend. See you in the office first shift Monday, though."

 **2 And Flights of Single Malts Sing Thee To Thy Rest**

"Waidaminnit, you mean there's girl blowjobs?" Gharty asked, and Billie Lou groaned because say what you would about her fourth ex-husband, he could be delightfully eponymous. She had a lot to teach him and, if not a terribly apt pupil, Stuart was enthusiastic. He was dazed by the prospect of all the sex he could handle without having to beg for it. They never got married, because Billie Lou thought it would just be grotesque to expect hope to triumph over experience **again** , and they never moved in together because Gharty figured that he'd end up having to beg for Billie Lou to do any **housework**.

Gharty waited with baited breath until his Twenty rolled around, and he put in his papers and dug up the coffee cans in the back yard that Flora never knew about and took the pillowcases out of the safe deposit box. Billie Lou got Munch's share of The Waterfront in the divorce, and Stu bought out Bayliss and Lewis who, by that point, pretty much had other things on their minds.

First they called the place Stu & Lou's but then Billie Lou decided they should go upscale so they had tapas and tasting menus and trays of different craft beers in four-ounce glasses and "Le Loisir" painted in curly letters on the plate-glass window. And pretty soon the place was inhabited by more yups than cops but they both thought that was pretty much OK.

 **3 Still Floatin'**

At first, Lewis couldn't figure out how Mikey could carry it all. Then after Junior Bunk, Meldrick thought the new blue paint in squadroom was his blues splashed all over the walls. Finally, everybody he had cared about, including the ones he didn't realize he cared about until they were gone or Gone, was gone. So he left, too.

And at first he thought he was being smart by cutting back his income, but as it turned out, Barbara got half of his share of The Waterfront, and was gonna get half his police pension if he lived that long, which was pretty much the only valuable thing he had.

The private detective business was going pretty good, they usually had somebody to snoop on over the Internet or surveill. That was Meldrick's favorite, just hangin' in the car with Kellerman, shooting the breeze about stuff and not solving the problems of the world. Mikey made him not replace the leather lid he gave to Sheppard, the one with the bullet hole in it, and that was a grievance. Also, Mikey made him shave off his beard, saying it was too memorable for doing a tail.

They didn't always have too much cash flow, so Meldrick stopped renting his apartment and moved into the houseboat, which was big enough for two people as long as they were on close terms.

And that was how Lewis decided you live with things: you just don't think about them.

 **4 Prince Charm City**

Brodie rooted around at the back of the closet, looking for a pair of comfortable shoes (or rather, a mate to the one comfortable shoe he held in his hand). Picketing could be hard on the feet.

Not that there was ever a good time to be on strike, but this was just the worst time for Prince Charm City Productions, which was about to roll out a new show. By now, Brodie ("Putting the Cult in Occult," as EW said) had suffered through "Timmy the Vampire Slayer," "Thrones and Dominations," "Mayfly" (the one that really hurt) and El Filmo Gigantico, and he just shrugged and figured that if the new show got on the air, it would probably just be canceled too.

He heard the key turn in the lock. Kay went over to the countertop where the mail was piled. He went back to the kitchen. "Just junk and bills," he told her.

"Well, behave yourself," Lt. Howard (LAPD) told him. "Am I gonna have to arrest you?"

"Attica!" Brodie yelled. "ATTICA!"

 **5 Just Like a Paperback Novel. The Kind That Drugstores Sell.**

Mary honked the horn. Olivia cranked down the window and yelled, "Uncle Tim! We're going to the NINE! Not the TEN!" even though her voice couldn't carry far enough. Frank hoped she wasn't going to turn into one of the mean nuns who had prepped him for the Jesuits.

Bayliss rushed out, buttoning his overcoat. "Sorry, sorry," he said, and somehow origamied himself into the back seat. After Mass and brunch at Le Loisir (just stepping into the place freaked Tim out, but the kids loved the chocolate chip pancakes) he had promised to take the kids to the Aquarium to get them out of their parents' hair (a commodity now so sparse in Frank's case that he was considering shaving it again). Mary had a White Paper to write, and Frank was working on his dissertation. Tim, jealous (he still had two years of coursework to go) thought that Frank would make a prune-faced point of making **everybody** call him "Dr. Pembleton" when the time came.

Tim was pretty sick of the Aquarium, but the kids loved it. Anyway, the reason they called it "Penance" instead of "Fun and Games" (except in the business sector that handed out leather jackets to investigating officers) was that…you had things to make up for.

 _"I'm not the one you have to confess to," Frank said._

 _Tim closed his eyes. "I know. Well, I guess I won't bother to get lawyered up…"_

 _"That's not what I meant," Frank said, musing that his partner was to religion what Munch was to matrimony. "Confession, repentance, a sincere desire of amendment…"_

 _"Thank you." Tim kissed Frank's forehead, thinking how much he loved him._

 _Frank was glad to clear the slate, although he felt that Tim had saved Frank's life at the cost of his own, and now he had saved Tim's at the cost of…nothing at all, really._

"'Social and Media Studies!'" Tim muttered, nodding at Billie Lou as she loaded the table with platters. "I'm a history teacher, Frank!"

"Well, we've got to keep up with the times," Frank said. "And anyway, we all know you were a pioneer in Web site development."

 _When they reach the part where the heartaches start,  
The hero would be me.  
Heroes often fail._


End file.
